Hey Spankos! I know I promised this post a couple weeks ago and honestly I have typed it up several times over the last year and have struggled to bring myself to post it.
I want to start out with a few public service announcements. If you are under 18 please leave now. Yes I discuss an event, that I will be honest, happened when I was 15. I am in no way condoning what I did and do not condone anyone else to follow in my foot steps. I can not change what happened all those years ago. Also while what happened was illegal, that is not my concern at this point. I had many chances to do something but chose not to for my own reasons. Now this isn’t even an issue as the man involved has since passed away and he had to answer to a power higher than a jury of his peers for what he did and I am at peace with the whole thing. Please take this for what it is, a reflection of a life changing event that is only one of the many things that turned me into the spanko I am today. Nothing more, nothing less!
Now going back a bit I grew up like a lot do in the south, where you step out of line you got spanked. Though a lot of the times it went out of bounds or was unwarranted, it happened. I found myself from a young age thinking about spanking in the realm of adults. Wondering if they same thing happened to a wife or husband when they stepped out of line? There are a couple times when things were said or I saw things that made me really wonder. My parents would make comments to each other and looking back now, they make some sense. Now I do not want my suspicion of what my parents do in their free time answered. I already had more then my fair share of that when I, as an adult, read a letter from one of my older sister’s many boyfriends and in great detail it told me more then I ever wanted to know. So anyone who says spanking gene is hereditary……I honestly think there is truth to that! But that is another story for another day!
After my parents quit spanking me, they quit punishing me all together. I found myself just struggling with this horrible guilt. I am so hard on myself and if I don’t perform to the best of my ability I just don’t know how to handle things. I picked up self-spanking at 13 as a way to try and deal with this. At 14, I was sitting in my friend’s living room and I broke down and told her how I felt. Surprisingly, she was very receptive and it led to a 5 year relationship together that also added spanking to it. But this isn’t about my F/f spanking, and lesbian sexual history now is it!!!
A few months after I had my initial discussion with her, she brought it up again. I do not remember what I did but I was just beside myself with guilt. I could not handle it at all! She recommended that I take a spanking. But I needed a real spanking, not one that my 15 year old girlfriend could give me! She mentioned a friend of her family and said for me to ask him. We could trust him, she said. It would be okay! He was older, old enough to be my father I guess. But I trusted her so why not trust him?
The next weekend comes and I am at her house, her dad worked night shifts and wasn’t due home until after 11PM. So I walk down the street to this guy’s house, we will call him Frank! Frank answered and was surprised to see me alone. I have never been to his house without my friend and he thought something was wrong. I don’t know if I looked as panicked as I felt but he immediately started questioning what was going on, if my friend was okay, why I was there, and so on. I calmed him down and told him I was just there to talk. We sat down on his couch and I just let everything out. I told him about my actions, my needs, my guilt. I guess I was at some weird confessional or something. He hugged me and asked what I wanted, I looked him straight in the eyes and told him to spank me!
You would think a grown man being asked by a 15 year old girl to be spanked would seem confused, or something right? Nope! He stood up and started unhooking his belt before I even realized that I had just said it! To make a long story short he spanked me with his belt and honestly I felt a million times better! It was the first time I realized that yes this really does help, this is what I need! All is great, I felt great. I was hugging Frank and thanking him thinking all is well. Wiping my tears and rubbing my bottom, getting ready to go back to my friend’s house. All was great!
Wrong! He grabbed my arm and pulled me to his bedroom! He proceeded to assault me sexually. I begged him to stop and all he would say is I asked for a spanking, I gave up control, this is what I had to do! I had to finish what i started! Made everything my fault and I believed him! I believed that this was my duty for what I asked and what I wanted.
After this was over, I went back to my friend’s house where I just kept it to myself and acted like everything was fine. Never speaking of that moment again.
This is why I can not associate spanking with sex. This is why I can not be made to do “anything and everything!” This is why I am who I am.
I can not mention enough about boundaries! Remember you might not think so, but you are in charge! Speak up! If it is not going how you need it to…WALK AWAY! You owe them nothing!
This is not to scare anyone from exploring their needs and desires. Just know that you might think everything is okay, but it is a dangerous lifestyle. Please play carefully at all times!
Yes I might seem jaded or stand offish in my feelings and in relationships. Just remember that everyone has a past and respect it! We all have events that shape us!
Hope this answers some questions!