Fears, Tears and Moving On

Part 3

I sent Tom a text letting him know I was coming up to the room. I went into the hotel and just zoomed past the front desk in my own little world. When I got to the stairs I took them like I was walking to me own execution. What was I so afraid of? This is far from new to me, why am I shaking? I could feel my legs trembling as I took each step as if it was my last. When I got to the 3rd floor I entered what seemed like the longest hallway, walked down towards the room, looking at the ground and counting the lines on the ugly carpet. Really why do hotels have such ugly carpets? Made it to the room and as I lifted my hand to knock the door opens and I’m standing face to face with Tom.

He invited me in and things got really blurry. I was wondering if I still had time to back out. I sat down my bag on the bed and turned to Tom. We never actually “met” eachother and only seen one another at mutual events involving our community and families. We proceeded to formally introduce ourselves and after what seemed like an eternity he broke the silence and asked me to sit next to him on the bed. I wanted it to be over but did not even know where to begin. I opened my bag, not knowing what was even in it, I couldn’t bring myself to pack it so Mindy did it for me. I pulled out a wooden hairbrush, small handheld paddle, and my go-to strap. I sat them on the bed and looked up at Tom. He was so calm I did not understand how he was just relaxed and at peace.

I think that is when he realized my anxiety and he reached out and grabbed my hand. I looked into his eyes and burst into tears, “please let’s not do this, is there another way.” “No, it has to be this way,” he replied. “I did not save you that night, but you have the chance to save me now.” Save him? from what? “You did not have any control over that night it’s not your fault, let’s not do this.”

He got up and walked to the window, looking outside on this rainy day, “you don’t think I had anything to do with it? It was all my fault. i knew he was drunk and I supplied the drinks that night. Then when he got too drunk I didn’t want to deal with him so I handed him the keys and told him to take the truck back and go home.” This was my first time hearing any of this, I stood up and walked over to Tom telling him it was okay. He pulled back away from me and snapped, “it’s okay? I have seen all those reports from your doctors, therapists, and lawyers. I know what you have gone through these last few years. The pain, the fear, and even trying to overdose? How is that okay?”

I was silent, I couldn’t believe he knew all of this. I knew I had to turn over all the documents to his brothers lawyer but you don’t realize how many people then have access to those reports. “I’m sorry, I never wanted anyone to see those, what I went through was my battle and though I didn’t control what happened I was the one in control of the aftermath and I did not handle it well.”

I saw his pain as he turned back to me. “If you want me to do this, I will but know I do not blame you for that.” We talked a little more about what happened in the aftermath of the wreck, details I won’t post here for my own privacy.

I started asking what he wanted me to do, only to be met with, “whatever you want.” Doesn’t he get I don’t want any of this? I started asking about the rest of the story, I know I’m not getting it all so why not just tell me the bottom line. His only reply, “I don’t want you to do this because of what I am doing now, but for what I did that night.” That left me more then a little confused but I complied and was ready to get started.

I knew I was dealing with a vanilla that hadn’t been spanked in probably 25 years, so against his wishes I wanted to start out safely. I tried to explain safe words and such but he didn’t want to hear about anything that could benefit him. By this time I was getting frustrated which is what he wanted. I picked up the hairbrush and asked him to take off his pants and underwear. he continued to be his calm self and did what I asked before placing himself over my lap. I started spanking him with the brush, but my arm was frozen, it bearly stung him. Now Mindy must have told him about me because he started talking saying he knows that’s not me, and so forth. Now for a tip to anyone I spank, don’t taunt me, you will bring me out and will learn to regret it. It was the push I needed and I was able to focus on the situation.

I spanked him about 150 times with the brush and he was really uncomfortable and shifting around. I asked him to hand me the paddle and suddenly he wasn’t as relaxed as he once was! He slowly handed it back to me, why yes I cound have reached it myself but it’s better this way! I shifted him where he was more on the bed and less on my leg and turned myself around. The first strike landed right on his sit spots and he started to jump up. I grabbed the back of his shirt and started reassuring him it was okay. After 75 hard swats he was in tears, I pulled my leg out from under him and left him laying on the bed.

I rememeber walking around the room fighting back tears of my own. I pulled the pillows out of the top of the other bed and put them in the middle of the bed and asked him to lay over them. He looked at me and wanted to protest. I picked up the strap and told him he asked for it let me do what I know. He moved onto the pillows and started shaking. I asked him if he wanted to stop and he said not until I was ready……so I adjusted the strap and my hand and landed it down on his lower bottom. He took it better then the paddle but I laid another 49 on him. After the 50th spank I started shaking and just sat down in the floor and started crying.

Shocked he got up and came to my side. I kept saying I was sorry and he assured me it was exactly what he wanted. He started crying harder and reached out and held onto me. We laid in the floor for atleast an hour. Both of us were so worn down that even after the tears stopped we didn’t let go. He broke the silence again, “let me show you something,” I relucently let him up and he went over to his pants and pulled out a flask and handed it to me. I opened up and the smell was nasty. “what’s in this?” “Vodka!” “Well your an adult it’s not really illegal.” ” Its not that, open the front.” I opened this compartment in the front and there was a police photo from the crash site, showing the moving truck his brother was driving on top of my car.

Before I could even speak he spoke up, “that is how I handled it all. And just last month I lost my job, and my wife is ready to take the kids and leave me. She told me I had one month to change and work through this.” I kept asking why they didn’t tell me this first. We discussed everything about what happened and why it is okay. Talked about my recovery and how I went from overdosing on pain killers to being able to move on and how he can bring himself back.

We talked about why he wanted a spanking. His answer was simple, “I have punished myself long enough and it hasnt worked, you been waiting for closure for just as long. We both get it today.”

In the end I felt better, I couldn’t change what happened to me but atleast the suffering everyone was experiencing could finally end. We hugged and parted ways that night. I haven’t seen him since then but I’m happy to say two weeks ago he celebrated another year of soberity, him and his wife are happier then ever and most of all he is well. And I can report he is stil the plain vanilla he always was….such a shame.